No Way Back
by quickand2thepointless
Summary: Without his words to hide behind, Fai's carefully maintained defenses begin to slip. The moment the rules are broken and the line is crossed, there is no going back. KuroFai Yama one-shot, rated M for sexuality.


**A/N: **The KuroFai muse keeps striking me, so here is another one. Fai said himself that his job on Yama was to do 'things that didn't require speech,' and this is how I imagined that particular situation. It couldn't be butterflies and rainbows considering the emotional weight Fai still has to deal with _a la _his past in Celes, but I still think it has a place in their relationship at the time. Hope you enjoy!

**Rating: **M for some mild level sex.

**Timeline/Spoilers: **Yama part two, after our heroes are separated from Sakura, Syaoran, and Mokona. Spoilers only for Yama, with a few gentle prods at the fact that Fai is hiding something, which I believe is already known at this point anyways.

**Disclaimer: **Alas, the two best things about this story, Fai and Kurogane, belong to CLAMP.

0o0o0o0o0o

After the first month in Yama, Kurogane noticed that Fai was beginning to change.

It had been a gradual shift, one that Kurogane had been too busy to realize at first. Even without Mokona's assistance or any idea of how to go about interpreting the natives' language, Fai had done his best to remain his sunny, buoyant self during the first few weeks of their stay, using body language and physical jabs where once he would have peppered Kurogane with his useless words. In between training with Yasha's army, Kurogane had been pinched, prodded, tickled, and even groped by Fai, and though he had reacted with his typical temper during the earlier occasions, he had grown as used to the physical teasing as he had of Fai's endless stream of _Kuro-tan's _ and _Kuro-puu's _back when they could understand each other's words. When Fai realized this, he at last became quiet and more content to be subdue and alone, aware that his limited means of annoying Kurogane had exhausted themselves earlier than he had intended them to.

It was at this point that Kurogane lost track of what Fai was up to. Grooming the warriors in Yasha's army was challenging work, and Fai had long ago ceased to need his assistance in mastering the use of the long bow he had been given by the weaponmaster. While Kurogane trained the men, Fai often went off on his own and disappeared for hours before returning with his fake smile still on his face, prattling off in his foreign language from the world he would not speak of. Kurogane didn't have enough time on his hands to concern himself with the places Fai had gone and what he did when no one was watching him, but he was aware of the fact that days had passed without the mage trying to touch or rile him, and that the absence of those routine actions had to mean _something_.

When they were alone together in the room they shared, Kurogane began to watch Fai out of the corner of his eye. The ever-present smile was still plastered on the mage's face, but it no longer reached his eyes as it once did. The more Kurogane studied him, the more pensive Fai looked. There was something on his mind, something he neither had the words or will to hide in this place where his former defenses were as meaningless as the language he spoke.

"Your disguise is getting thin," Kurogane informed him as Fai stretched and yawned on the bed like an overgrown cat. "If we stay here any longer, you may give me the opportunity to see what's behind it."

Fai blinked up at him and said something in reply, most likely '_I have absolutely no idea what you're saying anymore, Kuro-puu_'. During their one month in Yama, Fai had only learned the words 'yes,' 'no,' 'me,' 'you,' 'can't,' and 'shouldn't'. The only sentences he was guaranteed to understand were 'No, you can't' and 'No, you shouldn't', so Kurogane felt relatively comfortable saying whatever he wanted to the mage without the threat of getting in trouble for it later.

"And when I do find out the truth about you, I can't be blamed for what will happen next," Kurogane continued, gazing into Fai's blue eyes. They seemed to be growing a shade darker, and he wondered if it was just his imagination, or if something was really going on inside of Fai that was wearing his false exterior down in more than one sense. "You're the one who started challenging me. If you lose your own game, you're going to have to take responsibility for beginning it in the first place."

Fai tilted his head, his blonde hair falling over his eyes.

"So if you don't want that armor of yours coming off, you'd better put it back up before it's too late," Kurogane warned him. "I can't make any promises."

"Kuro-tan," was all Fai could say, and though he tried to sound happy, there was a note of distance and sadness in his voice.

_There it is,_ Kurogane thought to himself, his breath catching. _Something real_. He reached his hand out to brush away Fai's hair from his eyes without thinking. A part of him wanted to feel Fai's skin beneath his hands, the texture of the unmasked, uncovered person coming undone in front of him.

Fai backed away, his eyes fearful for a moment before his face lit up again with a soulless smile and false joy. "No, you can't, Kurorin," he said in Kurogane's language, waving his hand back and forth dismissively. "No, no, no."

"You're right," Kurogane said, returning his hand to his side. "At least not yet."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Another month passed. Kurogane was busier than ever, and Fai was absent more and more, showing up only to participate in battles at Moon Castle, to eat, and to join Kurogane in their room to sleep. Kurogane hadn't cared too much before about how Fai spent his time, but now it was beginning to bother him. The other men were very conscious of Fai and how lovely and seemingly delicate his body was in comparison to theirs. Kurogane had kept those thoughts from being vocalized with a few well placed punches and extra drills, but he knew they still existed beneath the surface, coming up for air only when Fai appeared from wherever he had gone, his robes billowing enticingly in the wind and his hair dancing across his cheekbones. He wouldn't put it past them to try something on Fai if they encountered him alone. They didn't know the mage like he did, and they had never witnessed the full grace and strength of his movements which showed the warrior inside of his lithe and sleek body. To them, he was nothing more than attractive and easy prey who could serve in the place of a woman, as if he was not truly a man.

After few more days with Fai nowhere to be found, Kurogane couldn't take it any longer. "We're practicing horseback riding today," he announced to the men. "Your fighting is getting better, but as soon as you're placed on a moving target, you become clumsy fools." He gestured for the stablemaster to join him in front of the army. "You're in charge today. Put them through their paces, and make sure they can ride without falling off the damn things."

"Will you join them, Kurogane-sama?"

"Not today. I have an idiot to hunt down."

Kurogane was relatively unfamiliar with the layout of Yama. He spent every waking minute on the training field, and then at Moon Castle, and as soon as it was time to sleep, he found his room in Yasha's palace and promptly grabbed a few moments of rest. As he wandered across the plains, he was surprised to find the landscape quite pretty. The trees were dark and not at all as romantic as the sakura trees in Nihon, but there was a wild and untamed quality about them that he liked and he felt that they suited the atmosphere of this world very well.

After a few minutes, he found Fai leaning up against the black trunk of one of the imposing trees, his light hair and robes providing a stark contrast to the shadowy back drop of the woods. There was a patch of moonflowers at his feet, and the white blossoms rustled back and forth in the wind, brushing their petals gently across Fai's ankles. The mage's profile was turned just slightly toward Kurogane, and he could see that Fai's eyes were closed and his forehead was deeply creased. The look was so different from Fai's usual brightness that Kurogane felt himself stopping in his tracks to study it. Was this _unhappiness? _Not quite, he thought. There was a bitter edge to Fai's mouth, and his hands were trembling against the bark of the tree he was resting on. His head was bent low, and the slightest bit of moisture clung underneath his eyes, as if he was grieving.

"Oi," Kurogane called out, unable to stop himself. He knew Fai was in a vulnerable moment, and that it would take more effort than he was capable of to mask the look in his eyes so quickly after being interrupted. Fai obligingly lifted his now black eyes to look into Kurogane's, revealing openly the immeasurable sadness displayed within.

After a moment, he tried to smile, but even that was tinged in sorrow. His eyes could not support his lying lips, and the gesture faltered and fell apart all together. He turned his face away sharply, a low grumble of frustration rising from his throat.

"I've found you," Kurogane said, turning Fai's face back towards him. "You're out in the open. You can't hide from me."

"No," Fai protested, placing a hand on Kurogane's chest. "Don't." His vocabulary had expanded a bit over the past month, filled with new negations. _Stop, never, won't. _Give him a few more months, and he would be able to refute Kurogane just as easily as he had before they came to this world.

"I warned you what would happen. If you wanted me to hate you, you would have stayed as you were before." He lifted his hand against Fai's cheek and gazed down upon him. The distance between their faces was the last boundary to break. If he ignored this rule and erased Fai's firmly drawn line, there could be no turning back. Even if Fai crawled back under his armor and reverted back to lying and masking himself behind a cheery persona, whatever happened between them would not go away. It would stay there and scar them both, it would make everything they said and did afterward harder and more painful. And if Fai redrew a line between them when all was said and done, he would make it impenetrable this time around. If Kurogane wanted to cross it again, there would be a heavy price to pay for both of them.

But it didn't matter. The past and future had no bearing on the here and now, and at the moment Fai was in his arms without a single thing to hide behind, and Kurogane wanted him more than he ever wanted anything in his life. The need was so raw that he couldn't be bothered to care what pain he would suffer for this later. He would satisfy it and face the consequences when they came sooner than he would let this moment pass him by.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Fai's. He wasn't expecting Fai to kiss him back, and wasn't offended when he didn't. It was enough to join together with him gently, pulling away just slightly to feel the whisper of his breath before coming together again, the mage's mouth twitching in restraint, holding back but still wanting to give something in return.

Kurogane rested his head against Fai's, waiting for a reaction. "You shouldn't," Fai's voice whispered, the foreign words sounding awkward on his tongue. "_We _shouldn't."

"But we will." Kurogane pressed against Fai's lips again, and this time they responded slowly and haltingly. "Won't we?"

"...yes..." Fai murmured into his mouth. "Yes... it can't stop now."

Kurogane groaned and pushed him against the trunk of the tree. His mouth grew more insistent, and Fai did not fight him off as his fingers worked through his hair and his tongue pushed into his mouth, demanding a sweeter taste of him. Fai leaned upwards into the kisses, struggling to find his footing against the protruding roots of the tree. Kurogane grabbed his leg and hitched it against his waist, increasing the friction between them. It was cold outside, but he felt his skin growing heated, overcome by his want. _This is real, _Kurogane reminded himself as Fai threw back his head, exposing his long white neck. _This is him._

He lifted Fai into his arms and eased them both down into the bed of moonflowers. "I wonder what you're thinking of?" he asked idly as he drew a trail of kisses against Fai's throat, opening the latches of his robes. "Which idiotic thoughts of yours make you so sad?"

"Kuro-sama!" Fai hissed as Kurogane pulled off his shirt and run his tongue across his exposed chest. If he understood the question, he gave no answer to it, responding only to the rough hands against his body rather than the equally rough voice goading his conscience.

"You shouldn't think of that place you can't go back to now," Kurogane said, teasing Fai's rosy skin with his fingers. "We're here, not there. We have to do what we can here. Worry about that place when you're there, and think about now when it's now. Do you really believe you're the only one who left something behind when you came here? Do you think that gives you the right to lie and pretend to be something else?"

Fai whimpered as Kurogane's mouth found his nipple and gave it a gentle suck. Instinctively, he drove his hand down to Kurogane's head and wound his fingers through his dark hair. Kurogane lifted his head slightly and locked eyes with him.

"Even when you lied, I could see you beneath it," Kurogane said. "You can't hide yourself fully. You can play the fool all you want, but when it comes down to it, _this _is who you are. And you... every single part of this person is beautiful."

"Don't stop," Fai whispered back. "Kuro-sama."

Kurogane kept his eyes on Fai as he peeled off the rest of the mage's clothes. Fai made slower work of it. His hands were trembling, and he struggled with the knot of the band around Kurogane's head. Kurogane ended up having to undress himself as well, watching Fai watching him with his mouth twisted into an unfathomable expression that occasionally gave way to reveal a need as pressing as his own.

"Just look at you," Kurogane whispered, returning his mouth to Fai's bare skin. He was almost as pale as the moonflowers in places, and Kurogane felt a primal need to use his lips and teeth to darken those spots, to make a mark in every place where Fai seemed pure and untouched. Fai accepted the little bites with an unsteady groan, his own hands and lips roaming across Kurogane's chest and back, tracing invisible lines that were so electric that Kurogane could remember exactly where they were even when his hands fell away to cover the increasing sound coming from his lips.

"Keep that up, and neither of us are going to last for long." Kurogane laughed, pulling Fai's hands away from his mouth. "I guess I won't be able to savor you this time, but I'll try to go easy. Just bear with it." His hands rubbed against Fai's thighs and gently eased them open. With a sigh, Fai closed his eyes and wrapped his legs around Kurogane's waist. He seemed afraid to look and bear witness to their union, and Kurogane couldn't half blame him. It would be hard thing to remember when this dream shattered and their former lives came back to them. They would feel echoes every time their eyes met or their bodies touched, and even Fai wouldn't be able to smile in his usual way when he remembered.

"Say something if it hurts," Kurogane said, not even knowing if Fai understood a word he was saying. He slipped a finger inside of him, giving the mage a moment to adjust after the first tremor of surprise. This was not something he had ever done before, but he could tell from Fai's reactions which movements worked best and when he was going too quickly or too slowly. For being such a liar, Fai was surprisingly honest in a moment like this. His hips responded easily to pleasure, and words streamed from his mouth as if they were beyond his control. Kurogane had half expected him to lie back and take the sex as if he was merely enduring it in order to keep a boundary of resentment in place when Mokona came back, but Fai seemed unable to hide the fact he was enjoying himself, or at least wanting what was being given to him. His voice was so sweet and delirious that Kurogane felt himself already losing control even though he had not yet gone inside.

He removed his fingers slowly and looked down into Fai's closed eyes. He was positioned at the mage's entrance, but he didn't push in yet. Instead, he laced his fingers with Fai's and pressed them down into the flower bed. "Look at me," he whispered, sucking gently on Fai's lower lip. "Open your eyes and remember this."

"I shouldn't," Fai said, cracking his eyes open just barely. "I... can't."

"Yes you can. You'll run from this later, so take it now."

Fai sighed and opened up the rest of the way. "Yes, Kuro-sama."

Squeezing his hands, Kurogane eased himself inside of Fai, pushing against the resistance until they fitted together perfectly. Fai's breathing increased, but he said nothing in either Kurogane's language or his own.

"I've wanted this part for so long," Kurogane hissed as he began to move. "You'll say this is my fault later, but its yours, too. You showed this part of you to me yourself. You made me want you."

Fai simply cried lowly into Kurogane's shoulder, rocking against him until they couldn't move anymore and they laid there in the moonflowers until night came and it was time for them to go.

0o0o0o0o0o

A month passed, and then another and another. It was getting harder for them to remember the time before they came here. There was a kid, a princess, and a meat bun, and they had wandered through worlds to recover the princess's memories; that much was still known. Kurogane could remember the sense of urgency that had driven them, but for the life of him he couldn't remember why it had mattered so much. What they were doing now seemed to signify so much more. It was more urgent to get a firm grip on this Fai before he slipped away, before the dream had ended and they went back to the old quest and allowed these intimate moments between them to become the secondary thing. Fai was willing now, willing to be laid on his back and loved whenever they could be alone, but Kurogane knew that his willingness would fade as soon as he regained his words and method of keeping Kurogane at a distance. It was surely only a matter of time. Mokona would catch up with them, and then so would Fai's past. Kurogane could try and tell him it didn't matter, but it _would _matter to Fai. Whatever had once brought that sad line to his face mattered more to him than anything else.

"You know," Fai said one time after they had finished having sex following a battle on the Moon Castle. "There was... reason... I didn't want this." His grasp on the language was getting a little better, but not good enough to where he could communicate comfortably with anyone else other than Kurogane.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"I may have forgotten."

"For now."

"Yes." Fai rested his head on Kurogane's chest, closing his eyes.

"I know. Being with me was was nothing to you, and then it became something. It can't go back to what is was, but you won't let it stay as it is."

"Yes."

"Fair enough. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to undo it. It happened, and that's that. It will happen again."

"Maybe."

"It will. But we'll be different by then. It won't be like this."

"Maybe."

Fai exhaled, burying his face underneath Kurogane's arm. He said something softly in his own language for a few minutes before pretending to fall asleep. Kurogane didn't wonder what it meant. He wasn't supposed to know now. They surely had much more to go through together before they reached that point, and he had never wanted to know what Fai had once gone through to begin with. He simply wanted him to live, and to want to live without giving up what little hope he had. But that, it seemed, was going to be a wish that would not easily be realized.

0o0o0o0o0o

In another month, a day came when they began to understand each other. They didn't waste time talking about what had happened between them, but got to work scouring Yama for the kid, princess, and meat bun. When their old company didn't turn up, they ended up going to Moon Castle as usual and found the kid fighting with Ashura's army. After that, they spent their time discussing Kurogane's plan to test Syaoran's strength and make him believe they weren't the real Kurogane and Fai, the sort of charade that Fai seemed to relish. Kurogane stopped initiating intimacy between them, but he didn't give up touching the mage on occasion, taking the few moments he had with Fai before the mask was firmly back in place while he still had the chance.

After a few more days, Ashura put an end to the sham of their fighting and put Yasha back at rest. They received their feather, and were sent back to the world they began in, which had changed drastically in their absence. _Everything has changed, _Kurogane realized. _Not even the simple things can go back_.

When they were settled into the newer Yama, Fai tried to tease Kurogane about his plan to trick Syaoran almost seconds after they had landed. That was how Kurogane knew the line was back in place. It didn't even hurt him to engage in the old facade, as he once thought it might. He had known from the very beginning it would be like this, and that there was no point in fighting against it so soon. Fai wasn't so weak that he would break after one onslaught, and Kurogane was almost proud that he didn't abandon his principles so easily, as twisted as they were. So he reacted to the teasing with his usual anger, and allowed Fai to lead him in a chase around the room full of careless laughter and yelling. It didn't bother him as much as it could have. This was their present; the time to repair what they'd lost would come later.

He grabbed Fai's arm for a moment when their chase led them away from Syaoran and Sakura. "Oi," he said as Fai stumbled a little and turned to look at him in surprise. "Don't forget this isn't over."

Fai's eyes, now the pretty blue they had been originally, narrowed before he answered with a smile and a relaxed, "What isn't over, Kuro-puu?" Now that Kurogane had seen Fai truly, all the cracks in his disguise were visible to him, though Fai maintained it nonetheless. It probably made him feel safer, Kurogane realized. Fai was forever treading on dangerous ground, and he most likely needed something to fall back on when he slipped.

"Everything you're afraid of happening," Kurogane said, letting Fai go. "With me, and the past you're running from."

"Maybe." Fai smiled and shrugged his shoulders innocently. "But right now we have some memories to hunt down. Let's get to it!"

"Right."

Kurogane watched Fai's retreating back, wondering how he was supposed to feel. The lust that had swept over him in Yama had lessened; he didn't want to make love to a false copy of what he'd once had, or kiss that maddening smile that taunted him and did everything in its power to use words to make himself hated. He was not anxious for the future, or curious over the details Fai's past, which was still keeping them apart after all this time. What had happened couldn't be changed, and what was to come would come whether he fretted over it or not. All the same, he felt an exhaustion creep over his body and settle over him in a cloud of heaviness. He had started the journey longing to go back to Nihon, the place where he'd felt the most powerful and most at home, but he was beginning to wonder if his wish had changed over time. He had found a new home for himself in the trembling lines of Fai's face and the pale arms that encircled him with a heated touch. Though he knew those moments were in the past and he couldn't go back or ever have them as they once had been, he could not help but wish that he could be taken to the place where he could find that home again, and could open those doors that had been shut to him and be welcomed warmly by the person who had been waiting just as eagerly to return to him, to at last find and accept their happiness.

0o0o0o0o0o

**A/N: **Thanks for reading! Hope you liked!


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